Making Assholes Fall In Love With You
by twinkletwinkee
Summary: A step-by-step guide on how to make insensitive, asshole, dense, and handsome protozoan brutes fall head over heels for you, brought to you by the one and only Izaya Orihara. Shizaya. Raijin days. OOC.
1. Chapter 1

**Summary: **A step-by-step guide on how to make insensitive, asshole, dense, and handsome protozoan brutes fall head over heels for you, brought to you by the one and only Izaya Orihara.

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. **

**Warning: OOC, retarded attempt at humor**

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**MAKING ASSHOLES FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU**

**_by Izaya Orihara_**

_Date: April 17_

Hello there my lucky humans! I see that you're reading my step-by-step guide on how to make insensitive, asshole, dense, and handsome protozoan brutes fall head over heels for you. So, I assume that you've probably spent countless of sleepless nights thinking of some hot but temperamental hunk with the romantic sense of a log and sensitivity of a rickshaw that makes you feel hopeless. But do not fear, I'm here to help you! I also faced the predicament of pursuing an insensitive asshole and may I say that I'm already an expert on this kind of thing. And since I love all of my humans, I decided to create this guide to help you in your pitiful and pathetic excuse of courting.

My name is Izaya Orihara and yeah you've probably heard of me. Yeah, I'm one of the hot faces here in Raijin not to mention the top of the class. But you see, even god sent hot guys like me sometimes fall in love with brutes who will throw a celebration if I suddenly drop dead off the face of this planet.

The thing is, these insensitive assholes are everywhere. And what's so annoying about them is that they have this ability of making everyone fall at their feet by just being their insensitive asshole selves. But woe is us because these insensitive assholes are not really that great on giving love in return.

Assholes.

I also have an insensitive asshole in my life that makes my heart go doki-doki everyday, as girly as that sounds. His name is Shizu-chan and we're all lovey dovey (gross) now. But I tell you, it's not an easy task to get here. It's like pedaling your way to hell.

So without further ado, let me give you the steps on how to make your love life all frilly and butterflies together with your happily ever after (cue in playing of sappy love songs). The guide will go something like this: I'll give you a tip on how to deal with this insensitive asshole and share my story on how said tip worked wonders for me or lack thereof.

Just a reminder, before approaching this jerk romantically, you have to make sure that you are really head over heels for him. Like really really in love with him. You see, insensitive assholes are so difficult they will drive you insane. So you've got to be overflowing with love because love is the only way you can conquer this asshole in your life that breeds millions of butterflies in your stomach through their sidelong glance.

Now, it's time to pursue your everlasting happiness with that insensitive asshole.

P.S. For future reference, I will now refer to insensitive assholes as IAs (pronounced as _ay-yas)._

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_Tip #1: Be direct to the point. But not too direct that will make him think that you throw yourself to anyone or, much worst, that you're trolling him. Bonus points for creativity (hint: use something like destiny or lady luck)._

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_AQUARIUS: The solution to control your outrageous temper is easy: all you need is a lucky person! Lucky person must be: a genius, a little bit eccentric (in case you're being an uncultured protozoan, eccentric means weird), always smiling or smirking at you, and a schoolmate. Find your lucky person and you'll gonna have the best year ever~_

Izaya Orihara read once again the horoscope he had altered. Earlier that morning, the raven-haired teen purchased a cheap horoscope magazine from the nearby convenience store and used his sisters' correction fluid to tamper the written luck predictions. Izaya, despite being the awesome student he was, had zero experience in horoscope writing. However, he supposed he did a decent job with the alteration. Although he had to admit that using correction fluids were _too obvious _and maybe going a little overboard. Despite that, he hoped that Shizuo would understand his subtle way of confessing his feelings and would accept them. Even better if the protozoan would declare that he had felt the same way and was just too dense to realize that it was love at first sight, not hate.

He gave a small sigh as his carmine eyes spotted the blond-haired brute he was looking for. Izaya's eyes soften as he noticed that the blond was staring at the window with a very serene expression. The calm look on Shizuo's face was very endearing and it did not fail to make Izaya's heart beat a little bit faster.

"Shizu-chan."

Izaya gave an amused smile as he noticed the vein popping out of Shizuo's forehead. He couldn't help being flattered with the thought that only him could have this much effect on Shizuo. It's a great pride booster to see the uncultured protozoan display such passionate reactions just from hearing Izaya's voice. Not waiting for any other form of recognition from the blond, Izaya stretched out his hand to shove the horoscope magazine to Shizuo's scowling face.

"Read this and educate yourself with eastern beliefs, uncultured brute."

Dodging the flying desk, Izaya gave an amused chuckle as he made his way out of Shizuo's classroom. Once safe from the metal projectiles, Izaya slowed himself as he made his way back to his classroom. He felt his heart swelling with hope and anxiety that he was certain that anytime soon it would pop out of his chest. Of course being all sweet with Shizuo only happened in the fantasy world in his head with fantasy Shizu-chan cooing "I love you" at him every second. But still, he wouldn't really mind doing all those with Shizuo.

Regardless to say, Izaya hoped that this would be the best day ever.

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The carmine-eyed teen was lost in his fantasy world, replaying again fantasy Shizu-chan's blushing face as he confessed his undying love for Izaya when his fantasies were rudely interrupted by a walking wall that collided with his small frame causing Izaya to be sprawled gracelessly on the floor. Ready to lash out at the stupid student, Izaya snapped his head up to give his glaring daggers but instead of that, he had his heart momentarily stopped in his chest. He tried to compose himself and project a seemingly natural, or at the very least, composed expression, and said, "What's up, Shizu-chan?" with a very neutral tone.

_Calm down, calm down, calm down. _Izaya recited to himself as he looked at Shizuo expectantly because this was it, the long-awaited confession from Shizu-chan! Izaya casually rubbed his hips as he supported himself to stand up seeing that Shizuo would not offer him any form of help. And despite his attempts to look normal, calm, and collected, Izaya could feel his insides melting with excitement and nervousness.

"What's Shinra's class?"

A pregnant pause passed as Izaya raised his eyebrows at the unexpected question.

"Louse, where's Shinra? You gone deaf?"

"No. I heard you loud and clear," Izaya laughed despite his confusion. "But why are you looking for Shinra?"

"It's not like it's your fucking business or anything but I need to ask him to be my lucky person. The magazine you gave me said so." Izaya could see that Shizuo's getting more and more irritated with every passing second.

Another pregnant pause passed before Izaya was able to understand fully the situation.

"EH?"

**TBC.**

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A/N: Thank you for reading.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary: **A step-by-step guide on how to make insensitive, asshole, dense, and handsome protozoan brutes fall head over heels for you, brought to you by the one and only Izaya Orihara.

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

**Warning: OOC, retarded attempt at humor**

* * *

**MAKING ASSHOLES FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU**

**_by Izaya Orihara_**

**_Chapter 2_**

While they were strolling along the corridors to Shinra's classroom, Izaya wondered how his carefully planned confession failed. He was still not sure what the other was planning to do, but the feral look on Shizuo's eyes unnerved him in more ways than one. The plan was so simple but Shizuo managed to royally screw it up. Izaya wished Shizuo Heiwajima had never been born. Then he wished he himself had never been born, because it's his fool self who insisted that Shizuo 'find his lucky person'.

A few minutes after some walking, he watched an awkward Shizuo stand stiff under the questioning gaze of Shinra. And Izaya knew he would be cackling right now if it wasn't his love life at stake. The thought of Shizuo confessing to Shinra with the student body just an ear behind would surely create some sort of entertaining chaos to watch. Izaya leaned against the wall and stifled a giggle.

Then Shizuo inhaled deeply.

_"Willyoubemyluckyperson?"_

Izaya nearly burst out lauging as Shinra who understood Shizuo's words had his eyes wide for a while before returning to his usual goofy expression.

"Shizuo-kun, I think I heard you wrong. What was that again?"

Face flushing with embarrassment that Izaya thought was adorable, Shizuo repeated his words and this time, he explained the situation to Shinra.

A calm "I see…" and a look of thoughtfulness and amusement was Shinra's response as he glanced from Shizuo to Izaya. Izaya couldn't help the blood rushing to his face upon realizing that the bespectacled teen found out his little crush.

"So, will you be my lucky person?" Shizuo's face looked half tortured and half embarrassed as he ground those words out of his mouth and his veins were already popping out of his forehead. Izaya was on the verge of doubling over in laughter.

"Shizuo-kun, to be your lucky person means I need to be next to you _always. _Not to mention the troubles of me living in your house and taking a bath together with you. This lucky person is physically impossible, Shizuo-kun."

Shizuo frowned. "It'll work out," he tried again. "The horoscope told me so! We're destined to be together!"

An awkward silence passed as Shinra and Izaya gawked at Shizuo who was blushing furiously upon the realization of what he said. Shinra looked scandalized while Izaya wanted to slap himself. Of course, Shizuo was as dense as a log. He should have been more specific in the 'horoscope', like jumbling the letters of his name or stating that the 'lucky person' was comparable to a flea. Now that would be obvious and this strange situation would not have occurred. In fact, if he had done so, he and Shizu-chan might be even on a date right now.

As the school day came to an end and the three of them walked together the familiar Ikebukuro roads, Izaya couldn't help wondering why the hell he had a crush on this, well, idiot.

But he also couldn't help smiling ruefully at the unbridled embarrassment in Shizuo's face as he chased Izaya after the latter teased him endlessly about 'being destined to be together with Shinra'.

When the sun started to set and their stomachs started to rumble, the three of them rounded into the hill and found the convenience store tucked on the left side of the road. They each bought their own popsicle and it was blue and freezing. Shizuo gave that bright, carefree grin upon tasting the sweet treat and then Izaya thought that the torturous afternoon, the torn uniform, and the failure confession were somehow worth it.

And then he thought, _'Oh shit, I've really got it bad.'_

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_Date: April 19_

Confessions. They're difficult. And they're extra tricky if you're trying to confess to an IAs (Insensitive Assholes, remember?)

Izaya Orihara here again my lucky humans and this is my second blog entry.

Basically, what I want to say in this entry is: persist with you IAs, no matter how difficult and discouraging it is to romance him, because it's worth it!

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_Tip #2: Know his likes and give it to him._

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Wednesdays were great for many reasons.

First and foremost, on Wednesdays, Russia Sushi gave 10% discounts on ootoro. Wednesdays also meant an additional hour in hell for first years taking the morning combination of English and Literature. The best part about Wednesdays though, was the gym class.

What did gym class meant?

Oh, woe was Izaya's heart. It meant that his class, 2-1, and class 2-2, would be taking it together. It meant that Shizuo Heiwajima – the one and only Shizu-chan – would be sharing the glory of his body with the students of Raijin Academy for a whole one hundred and twenty minutes.

The way his back muscles grew taut when he warmed up, the way that sweat glistened as it trickled over his face and neck, the way he ruffled his bleach blond hair…

_Be still my heart._

_Damn it, I said be still._

But this particular Wednesday was special. This was the Wednesday Izaya would put an end to this little crush and finally start being all lovey-dovey with him.

Ever since Shinra introduced the two of them, not a day passed where Izaya did not think about Shizuo. Whether it was G-rated or X-rated, those moments were his guilty pleasures. If only Shizuo did not misinterpret that stupid horoscope.

But how, you ask?

It was so simple it was ingenious.

Of course, not less was expected from the great Izaya Orihara.

All Izaya had to do was to make Shizuo fall in love with him by being the other's type, liking what he likes, doing what he wants…or something. Anything!

Izaya flipped to a fresh page in his notebook and reached for the pencil tucked behind his ear. His trustworthy friend never failed in times of need.

_Target: Shizuo Heiwajima_

_Age: 17_

_Height: 5'10"_

_Eye color: Caramel_

_Hair color: Blond_

_Mission commenced at 7:45 am_

_Izaya's location: target locker minus 4_

_Target location: Walking_

Izaya doodled hearts around Shizuo's name.

**TBC**

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A/N: Thank you for reading. It's awfully OOC and I intend it that way. A shout out to those who were screwed up by the floods in the Philippines. _Binaha ako sana kayo hindi. Stay safe!_


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